


parabolas

by raracatsputin



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks, and me wanting to write a fight scene lmao, both a study in how steven changes before the finale, the whole Steven bundle yaknow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:27:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24058234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raracatsputin/pseuds/raracatsputin
Summary: Bluebird tries to make a final stand, but-He was getting better. He really was.(recovery is not linear, and that’s okay)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 53





	parabolas

Steven stays in bed for a week after The Incident.

(no, not The Incident. after he corrupted himself, he should say. he has to accept what happened, his therapist tells him in one session, or he will never heal from it.)

For almost eight days, there is a steady cycle of people bringing him food, drinks, clean clothes, and opening and closing his windows to let light in.

By day nine, he manages to sit at the foot of his bed and watch bad television with Peridot (that is progress, too). Day eleven, he forces himself out of bed to take a shower (and tries not to think about orange shards where his feet are.) Day fifteen, he eats breakfast downstairs with his dad, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl (who does not eat, but she keeps an empty plate in front of her to encourage him.) Day twenty comes and goes as he finds himself walking down the beach to pick up a pizza for him and Connie.

In short, Steven gets better. Slowly, but at his own pace.

Obviously, he does not drop a bucket of trauma on his family at once. He slowly tells them about the _least-_ worst things, then builds up. Sometimes, he tells parts to only one or two of them, those he thinks would understand the best, and this usually ends with a lot of tears.

Mrs. Maheswaran, a saint in her own right, gets his dad and him in contact with a great psychologist, one recommended to her by Connie’s own therapist. His dad drives him to appointments once a week, and they always stop at some shifty diner after. Because that’s what they do.

He still does not know what his future holds, if he is ever going to be completely happy again, if he will relapse and destroy Beach City-

But for now, Steven is on a path to becoming okay. He has more bad days than good, still. The good ones- where he eats three meals, showers, and hangs out with someone for a while- make it all worth it.

\-------

Bluebird reappears on a good day.

Well, to be more specific, Bluebird attacks him on a good night.

That day, Steven convinces both Lapis and Bismuth to try the leftover sausage and cheese biscuits Pearl made for breakfast. Lapis ends up only liking the cheese, but Bismuth finds she thoroughly enjoys eating ( _or_ she just enjoys the way Pearl smiled when Bismuth said her cooking tastes good.) Amethyst then drags them all out for volleyball-but-Amethyst-is-the-ball, before making himself a victory hotdog. After dinner, Garnet shows up right on time with ice cream bars.

He has one of his best days in a while. He crawls into bed that night and has no trouble falling asleep for the first time in weeks.

What seems like seconds later, he opens his eyes to pink light flooding his vision.

There is a bubblegum bubble surrounding him and the bed; years of living on the edge and instincts saved his ass again, apparently. He hears Bluebird’s bad accent before his eyes adjust to the change in light in time to see her.

“Ah, I hoped it would not be that easy, dear Steven Universe,” She cackles like the gremlin she is.

Exhausted, but with years of fighting under his belt, Steven lets the bubble drop and quickly rolls off the bed without even thinking about it. He stands on shaking legs, uncomfortable adrenaline already filling his body despite knowing Bluebird is not really a threat.

(but she broke into his house. she just tried to do _something_ to him in his sleep. this is his safe place. he isn’t safe, he isn’t safe, he isn’t safe-)

Bluebird flutters around his dark room. It is hard to keep up with her, but she is not making another move toward him just yet. He figures she is probably reveling in scaring him in the first place.

His eyes and mind are in a million different places, trying to watch for an attack while predicting the best way to defend. She is so erratic, like both of her components, that he has no idea what she will try next. He notices she is holding something against her chest with both arms curled around it, but he cannot quite see what it is. Whatever it is, his fight-or-flight instincts certainly did not like it.

“Probably thought you saw the last of me, did you not, Steven Universe?” Bluebird gloats as her wings knock over a stuffed animal. “But you thought wrong! Because here I am! Again!”

Steven summons a shield with a rose and thorns winding around the middle (he worked on that) and waits. He knows Bluebird is just a trickster with a grudge, that the worst she could do is property damage. However, his body is still tingling with a strange mixture of adrenaline and anxiety that makes it hard for him to not bolt out the door and scream. He cannot override the feeling that comes from fighting for his life for so long.

Bluebird dives feet-first, and he is almost too wrapped up in his head to thrust his shield out to meet her. But he somehow does, and she jumps over his head with the shield as leverage. In this split moment, he notices his balcony door is opened. This must have been how she got in, he realizes (not that his house is extremely secure or anything.) It is also his escape.

Steven allows his back to turn on Bluebird long enough for him to rush out the door, effortlessly throwing himself over the railing and floating to the sand below. A sudden lash of bitter wind and the grains between his sinking toes remind him that Bluebird did not even give him a chance to put on actual clothes. Still, he dashes away from the house and hopes Bluebird takes the bait. The wider the area, the less damage he has to worry about.

He just rounds the corner to the front of his house when something very soft and furry strikes him in the back of the head. It is not hard enough to push him down, but the hit is still distracting enough that he stops running and looks around dumbly for what possibly hit him. He is somehow offended when he sees poor M.C. Bear Bear laying face-down in the sand.

(how dare she.)

Quickly, Steven turns and pulls a shield to his side in one swift move, not ready to face Bluebird again but is left with little choice. He is in no place- mentally or physically- to talk her down, and he can only hope one of the gems comes to his aid. Thankfully, there is at least more room for him to dodge now. With the moon illuminating her, the first thing he notices about Bluebird is both of her hands are now free- whatever she was clutching earlier is gone. The second crucial detail is that she wields a plank of wood taller than she is instead of her usual knife. It looks strangely like the ones left beside the house from its recent renovations. Before he can think about this too much, Bluebird and her new carpentry hobby are swooping in his direction.

Bluebird cackles and dances as she swings at him, though he has an easier time dodging since he can actually see her now. Since she is used to a shorter, sharper, she swipes too wide, too uncoordinated, but relentlessly, and he has to widen his shield to block all of her attacks. Not that an oversized stick can do much damage, but it would still sting, and he does not know her game plan- if she has one.

“Hey!” Steven tries to yell over the sound of clanging, “Can you calm down for just like, one second? This could not have waited until tomorrow morning?”

He sees a brief opening in her onslaught and throws his weight to the side into a roll. Bluebird barely misses his side as she flies over him and has to quickly make a turn midair avoid slamming into the house. She hovers a few feet in the air, eyes crossed as if evaluating him. He hates that feeling.

“I expected more,” Bluebird considers as if talking to herself (which he guesses she kind of is.) “I did hurt your My Dad last time. And almost hurt you too. I thought you would at least drop the talking act and attack me again, that was pretty fun. I guess you are still the same hopeless hybrid weirdo from when we left, diamond or not.”

Steven blinks at her and tries to think of how to respond to that, if he even can. He also tries to bury the disgusting emotions and memories that threaten overwhelm him as he remembers turning aggressively pink the last time they fought. It does not work. He has to focus to bury the itch in his stomach of the rage and panic that whisper for him to let it take over and protect himself. He knows he is strong enough to just shove Ruby and Aquamarine into a bubble and be done with them. He finds a part of him wishing he had done it years ago. if only to save himself a little bit more trauma and pain (as if it would do anything for his mental state now.)

But that is not who he is. He does not use force to solve his problems. He thinks. (he hopes.)

Instead, Steven relies on a recent skill that has done wonders for quelling the self-loathing and anxiety riddling his mind: sarcasm. Lapis is the best teacher around, after all.

“Wow, I am sorry that I am depressed and tired? As if I am not still recovering from the meltdown of a lifetime, and then I had a good day for once. But then you ruined it because you- none of you- do not know how to let something go. Not like one part of you tried to rip my gem out, and the other kidnapped me and my friends before bringing me, an actual child, to a foreign planet. But I let that go, didn’t I? So sorry for that. Is this the talking you wanted?”

Steven is breathless and frustrated by the time he finished. She looks at him incredulously. For a moment, he almost thinks she is going to unfuse just from confusion. He cannot blame her. He did accidentally unload his tired anxieties onto her, which he usually keeps inside his head to deal with later in therapy. Now that he thinks about it, he realizes he has a session tomorrow. Or now, later today, thanks to Bluebird.

Steven pointedly keeps his gaze on her, but he can feel his hands shaking. He can feel his feet and ankles becoming warm and weightless; he knows if he looks down, there will be a pink hue to them. He ignores it (because what else can he do but panic, because he was getting _better_ ) and lets Bluebird stare back the consequences of her actions, if she is capable of such in her cold heart.

Right in time to save him from yelling at any more of his demons tonight, his saving grace is a blur flying over his head, dyed dark violet in the moonlight. Amethyst unrolls as she makes contact and body slams an incredibly off-guard Bluebird to the sand below. She does not quite stick the landing, but it fails to faze her as she bounces over to Steven with her hands on her hips.

“Come here often?”

Amethyst says it so easily, so casual, but he can see her searching him for injuries, for signs he is going into fight or flight mode (again.) Thankfully, he can feel his legs are back to normal, and all he can do is hope she did not hear or see him venting his frustrations to Bluebird.

(but there are supposed to be no more secrets. he can tell them anything now. that was the deal.)

“No, actually. Just heard the alien food is out of this world.” He plays along, brushing his dirty pajamas off as he talks.

Over Amethyst’s shoulder, Steven sees Bluebird dusting herself out of her sand grave. Any semblance of bewilderment from his outburst has been erased as she starts turning dominantly red from anger. He watches for her next move.

“How’d you know I needed help?”

Amethyst follows his gaze and turns on her heel. She draws her lasso and whips it to wind around Bluebird’s wood plank that miraculously survived the fall, trying to yank it away. Bluebird does not relent and attempts to pull Amethyst off balance by grabbing the lasso with a free hand.

“Crazy good luck,” She answers with a simple shrug as if she is not wrestling a gargoyle for her weapon, “and it is kinda hard not to hear the villainous laughter and fighting in the middle of the night. It only took me a minute since I had to call Pearl. She and Garnet will be here soon, so homeslice is in for a good fight.”

Bluebird slices downward with the plank, just as she would her signature knife, and loosens Amethyst’s grip on it. She latches onto Steven’s arm before pulling them both out of the way as Bluebird takes another dive at them. Just as she passes, however, she unexpectedly breaks apart.

Aquamarine continues on, but Eyeball leaps out of the flash of light and into Steven. With no warning to defend himself, he falls to the ground and manages to catch her little hands before she can hit him. It quickly turns into a childish-looking wrestling match. They roll over and over in the sand, trying to get the upper hand, until they somehow end up close enough to the house for it to block the moonlight from reaching them.

They stop rolling as Eyeball gets one hand free before throwing a punch, though Steven moves his head to barely avoid it in time. Being cloaked in darkness with Eyeball grinning down at him reminds him too much of another fight with her-

(he sees her knife coming from him, and he releases his bubble in time to avoid it. but then he is alone and cold. he chokes on the little air he saved and curls in on himself because they will never find him, he will never see his family again, he is alone, alone, alone)

Steven feels his heart racing as he pulls his legs up and kicks Eyeball hard in the chest. With a grunt, she lands on her back a few feet away. As she recovers, his hand wrinkles his shirt where he grips it and begs himself to calm down (this is not the time, anxiety, read the room.)

Still breathing hard, he looks around for Amethyst. He finds her frustrated and struggling to keep up with Aquamarine’s swiftness, her lasso blindly trying to hit its cackling target. Aquamarine dodges a lash and spins to get behind her. Amethyst does not have time to turn when blue hands latch onto her leg, swinging her around like a toy and throwing her at Steven. He sees Eyeball scurrying away out of the corner of his eye. He digs his feet in the sand like Garnet taught him, and he only stumbles a little when a package of Amethyst lands in his arms.

She gives him a thumbs up and flips out of his hold. “Awesome catch.”

He grins back, but immediately their attention is back on Eyeball and Aquamarine as they hurry to regroup. They fuse again rather quickly, and Bluebird is flying at them before the light can fade away. Wood plank forgotten in the sand somewhere, she finally summons her sword in a theatrical twirl, then slices the air to create several ice replicas.

Steven quickly draws his shield and pushes Amethyst behind him in one swift move. The ice shatters all around them upon impact, but Bluebird is right behind the attacks. He prepares to bubble them both to wait out her fury until backup arrives. As if on cue, a white spear suddenly lands between them and Bluebird, and she hits it head-on with the grace of a dead beetle.

Behind the collapsed fusion, he sees Garnet and Pearl come to a sliding stop together. Garnet readies her gauntlets, with her piercing gaze on the enemy evident even hidden behind her glasses.

“Are you two okay?” Pearl yells as she readies another spear.

“We’re good!” Amethyst and Steven reply in unison just before Bluebird recovers and strikes out at the newcomers.

Garnet easily destroys the attacks with well-timed punches, then she and Pearl fall into a familiar rhythm from thousands of years of fighting together. Bluebird knows Steven; she is too agile for Amethyst’s patience; but she has nothing on a fusion and a renegade.

Now that they have a moment to breathe, Amethyst turns to Steven and lays a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t want to be pushy, but you can go crash at your dad’s for a while. The three of us can handle her. You need your rest, dude.”

He can do nothing but stare at her while trying to figure out how he wants to respond. A deep part of him, one he has been working on, screams to say he is okay. That he is a Crystal Gem and can protect everyone. That he just needs to talk to Bluebird and make her see the error of her ways, then he will forgive her, act like nothing happened, just for her to become part of their little family like everyone else.

(the other part, the one who talks to a therapist, says you are right. i should never have been in this. this is not my fight, not when i was twelve, thirteen, fourteen, and not now.)

Steven knows he takes too long to respond by Amethyst’s increasingly worried expression. Thankfully, they both are distracted when Bluebird is thrown a few feet over their heads, and he hears a bang against the tiles on the roof when she lands. He winces.

Garnet and Pearl are quick to join them. Amethyst glances at them quickly before turning her attention back on Steven. Then, he finds himself under all three of their scrutinizing gazes.

(he knows what they are trying to find. the same things they have been watching for ever since his breakdown. any signs of pink light, of fingernails scratching at his arms, of signs that the next dam of stress is breaking. he also knows they just want to help. they have really done so much in the last few weeks. but he still hates being left out of conversation, especially when it is about him.)

“We will bubble Bluebird in no time. She’s tiring out,” Garnet eventually says, like she already knows. She probably does. “Your dad is still awake, and Connie will pick up the phone for you no matter what time it is. But it is not good for you to be here right now.”

Pearl smiles encouragingly. “I’ll come get you as soon as we finish up. We can talk about what happened, and we can figure out what to do with Bluebird in the morning, tomorrow, or- just whenever you feel up to it.”

And there is the pure, unbridled desire to comfort him and help him get back on the path to recovery. The back of his mind cries that he does not deserve it, that he should be asking if they are okay instead. After weeks of self-reflection, he knows they are echoing his own words back to him as they try to find the right ones he needs right now. The same thing he did for years for them.

Steven feels tears burning his eyes, tears of regret for his younger self that suffered through that and for his present self that pushing them away, but it is too late when he realizes they made a crucial mistake. The four of them forgot about Bluebird for a moment too long, and that is all it takes.

Suddenly, a cold, merciless wave of water pours down and drenches him. Within seconds, he feels his hair flatten against his already-sweaty neck, and his clothes grip uncomfortably tight to his body. Soon, he is no longer shaking from anxiety, but from the overwhelming chill of the night wind whipping around him.

There are gasps of shock around him while he slowly lifts his hands to his face and sees droplets of water forming in his palms. He blinks the liquid out of his eyes before looking up to see Bluebird, hovering just beside the roof, triumphantly raising the same object she was carrying around in his bedroom, which she must have hidden away at some point.

Steven could not see it then, but his instincts assumed the worst and defended him accordingly. Now, where she is illuminated by the moon, he sees that she is holding-

A bucket. Not a knife, nor some weird gem weapon. Just regular, now-empty bucket.

Bluebird looks happier than he has ever seen her.

“I did it! I got you! I got your stupid clothes and stupid hair all wet, and now you look like an idiot! A wet idiot! I, Bluebird, have successfully humiliated _the_ Steven Universe in front of all of his idiot friends!”

She flies in circles and drops the bucket to the ground- not that she notices- still cackling about embarrassing him and everything else she feels proud of herself for. It clatters against the top of the staircase and tumbles down the steps. But her words, the ocean waves, the gems’ concerned voices become more and more muffled and distant. His knees start to feel weak with the building nausea in his stomach and pain in his chest.

The stress he kept at bay all day, the anxiety from a sudden attack in his sleep, the regret of almost turning pink- almost hurting Bluebird over something so dumb- drown him along with the water and bundles itself into a ball in his throat. Everything is suddenly too much as the cold wind plays with his soaked pajamas.

Steven’s bare feet dig into the sand as he runs.

Someone yells his name, he thinks. But no hands try to hold him back (if they could), nor does the scenery around him slow down as if he were using his powers. The water to his left hits the shore in melodic, _normal_ timing, and in any other situation, watching the stars twinkle over the ocean would soothe him.

Not now, not this time.

(he knows this is a panic attack. he had had enough therapy sessions to know what this sudden, intense feeling of dying really is. where his heart threatens to beat out of his chest and his body both is numb and feels everything at once.)

(somehow, knowing this does not make it any better.)

His vision unfocuses and blurs everything around him as he runs and runs. It is pure muscle memory that leads him to the end of the dock. He slides to a stop before falling to his knees right where the wood drops off into the lashing water. When he looks over the edge, gasping for air through the burning in his lungs and throat, Steven- because that is who he is, and the only person he has ever been- looks back.

A small amount of relief floods over him at seeing his normal skin color. There are no pink hues or diamond pupils in his reflection, this time. He kept his power under control while fending off Bluebird earlier, and his gem is no longer interpreting anything as a threat. The rest of his body is, but that is his human part taking the reins. This is a human panic attack, then. A human thing that happens to other humans (like connie, like lars, like sadie-)

But it emerged from a gem problem, and the already-thin lines between the two have become indistinguishable lately. Bluebird is no real threat to him. He can lift cars, jump higher than his house, and shield himself from any attack; Bluebird did not even summon her weapon until she was cornered. She is a mixture of two toddlers full of rage who played a trick on him. He is cold and miserable, but not really hurt.

But Steven almost unleashed pent up anger and stress on her because she just happened to be around. He even wished that he had bubbled her, but that is not fair to her, her components, nor anyone else. This was his chance to prove that he was able to fight again, to be a gem again, and he ruined it. His first real stressor since being corrupted, and he barely controlled himself. If he had not realized where those dark thoughts were heading, if Amethyst had not swooped in, if the gems had not given him an escape from the situation, he may have let his power overtake him. Then everything would be back to square one, if it was not already.

(he uses those a lot: had not, did not, if, but, however. these are unproductive thoughts, his therapist said.)

Most of all, he does not want to hurt someone because he cannot keep it together.

(again)

  
(he remembers when he found out that gem shards do not shine.)

A human reaction to a gem problem, just like when he had gem reactions to human problems. He almost forgot what it felt like, but definitely did not miss the helplessness or the ache in his bones. He wonders if he could ever align them to have each side experiencing the same issues, instead of feeling constantly torn apart and invaded by his own body of flesh and hard light braided together.

He starts to come back to present time as his heart rate decreases, his limbs feeling less foreign. He tries to take account of his surroundings to ground himself, only to realize his arms are going numb and threatening to let him tumble into the water. As if he is not soaked to the bone as is.

Regardless of what type of problem or reaction it is, he can use human solutions to calm down. Steven sits back with his legs outstretched and eyes closed. With his therapist’s voice echoing in his mind, Steven first tenses his toes, his calves, and everything else all the way to his hands and neck. He breathes in until his chest can no longer expand. Then, he releases all the tension at once as he exhales, letting his body go slack. He repeats until his fingernails stop making red crescents in his palms to mirror the moon in the sky.

Not wanting to worry the gems, he quickly kisses each hand back to normal, then has another thought and licks one before sliding it across his chest and right arm. As the adrenaline comes to a crashing halt in his system, the dull ache from being tackled by Eyeball fades away with a brush of his power. There is a harsh throb building behind his eyes that he cannot do much about, and he has not quite stopped shaking all over when he hears footsteps (still way too loud and almost overwhelming, but better and more tolerable) cautiously making their way down the dock.

Steven crosses his legs under him and rests on his hands, looking out to where the ocean meets the sky while his family crowds around him. He somewhat hopes they did not witness the worst of the panic attack, even if they have seen him at far lower points. It has taken a lot of relaxation and trust practice, but now he can allow himself to feel at ease and safe around them.

(they have all hurt him, intentionally or not. but they want to be there for him now, and they remind him of that every day. he has to let them try, for his sake and theirs.)

Garnet sits to his left, imitating his posture, and Amethyst rests on his opposite side, facing him instead of the ocean. He can practically hear Pearl overthinking, trying to figure out what to do. In the end, she crouches down beside Amethyst, somewhat diagonal from his position, and folds her legs under her. Bluebird or her components are nowhere in sight, so he can only assume they are bubbled somewhere. The gems would not let them go free after tonight.

Steven says nothing, waiting for them to speak first. He really has no idea where to start, anyway.

Garnet is the first to speak, though she carries slight embarrassment in her voice. “We called Connie.”

He looks at her expectedly (and tries not to be hopeful to see Connie. she has put up with so much, and he would hate to drag her out of bed for this.)

“She told us-” Pearl pipes up, looking unsure. “-Uh, Amethyst?”

“She told us, and I quote-” Amethyst shapeshifts into a purple version of Connie. He finds it just as awkward and amusing as can be expected. “I love him, but you guys need to get your shit together. You dense rocks cannot rely on me when he needs you, too _._ ”

Somehow, Steven finds even more love welling up inside of him for his wonderful girlfriend that has no shame in telling the gems what she thinks. It is so strangely endearing. Briefly, in the second it takes Amethyst returns to her normal self, he pulls out his phone and sees there is one unread message.

‘ _Text or call me after you talk to the gems and let me know how you feel. Love you <3.’_

Steven slides his phone into his pocket with a meaningful sigh. “And you listened.”  
  
“We did, and we should have _been_ listening.” Garnet stresses. “But we are here now, and you know we will sit out here for as long as you need. You can say whatever you want to say.”

“We told you were would be there for you no matter what. I know there are some things you have not gotten off your chest yet, too.” Amethyst adds.

Hesitating, Steven looks everywhere but at them. He tries to get his thoughts in an order that would make sense to someone else. For a brief moment, he really wishes he was still in bed, rather than pouring his feelings out to three people who cannot feel how cold it is on the dock.

“I just…” He starts, and closes his eyes when Pearl reaches over to put a hand encouragingly on his knee. “I feel like I have human problems, and then I have gem problems. I have trouble sleeping still, and eating, and showering. Those are human things. Therapy helps because another human who knows what I am going through can walk me through them. I felt like I was improving a lot.”

“But, gem problems- like Bluebird, turning pink-” Steven draws a knee to his chest and presses his pounding forehead against it. “- turning into a _giant_ \- I still struggle with. I don’t feel like anyone can really walk me through those because I am not like any other gem.”

There are tears of frustration pressing against his eyelids when he finishes. The quiet night surrounds him for a moment as the others wait for him to continue. A hand slides into his hair, and he instantly feels his migraine dampen some. He lets out a shaky breath and focuses on the metal ring that grazes his scalp.

Garnet starts speaks quietly, “Everything that happens to you is human. And it is also gem. You have _Steven_ problems, not one or the other. That is not a bad thing. You are unique, but there are people who can relate to what you are going through in their own ways. Even if no one can tell you how they solved a problem, you can at least tell us what is going through that head of yours. Or tell your therapist. Or your dad, or Connie-”

“- Or the several other people who have adopted you,” Amethyst chimes in.

“There’s a whole community of people looking out for you. They might not all be trained to help you, like that therapist. But I bet each one has experience dealing with a Steven problem as well. You can piece them together, like a puzzle, until you find a bunch of little things that can help you in a big way.”

Steven huffs. He knows she is right. “I was getting better, though. I thought I was, at least. I could get myself out of bed most days, even though I really did not want to. I feel like I just hit a massive reset button on recovering. I don’t want to go through those weeks of feeling horrible and helpless again.”

“I think we both know better than anyone that you don’t get better overnight,” Amethyst responds, “I have a lot of bad days too, you know? Ones where I want to tear apart everything left in the Kindergarten and cry. It happens, dude, but I can always hang out with Pearl, Garnet, Peridot, or you, and I know I can make it another day.”

Pearl adds on with a sad laugh. “I mean, I keep thinking I have moved past everything with- you know, your mom. But sometimes even I must remind myself that I am independent now, and that I can enjoy a life devoted to myself, not someone else. Talking with the other Pearls helps because they had similar experiences, even if not exactly. The four of us know we cannot ever forget what happened, but continuing on shows we are stronger than those that hurt us.”

“The most important thing to remember is that you cannot expect to get better and stay that way forever. It will take time, and you will experience setbacks here and there- like with Bluebird. It hurts and makes you angry or sad at yourself. But that does not mean you are a failure. Recovery happens in phases, and it is more like a rollercoaster than a straight line,” Garnet says.

Steven leans his head on her shoulder. “I hate this rollercoaster. I want a refund on life.”

“We would not refund you for anything, you know that.” Pearl smiles, and he cannot help but smiling back.

Amethyst scoots in closer. At first, he thinks she is grinning with them, but her smirk turns mischievous quickly as she casually turns to Pearl. “So, you are devoted to yourself, huh? And not to a special gem? One with rainbow hair and a, if I may quote you, _dazzling smile_ , maybe?”

The tension instantly breaks as Pearl sputters and blushes. This earns a laugh from Steven, and he notices Amethyst continue to poke at Pearl purely to keep him entertained. He even believes that Pearl plays along for the same reason.

Garnet must notice he is starting to visibly shiver when she wraps an arm around him tighter. “Leave Pearl and her disaster love life alone, Amethyst. Steven needs to catch some sleep, anyway.”

Pearl looks betrayed as Amethyst falls backward cackling, but any taunting is left behind as they help Steven stand, despite his insistence that he can do so. He adamantly walks to the house without being carried as Garnet wants, but her arm stays draped over his shoulders the whole way. He savors the little bit of warmth until he can get out of his soaked clothes.

Pearl forces him to take a hot shower and lays new pajamas straight out of the dryer at the door. The gems wish him goodnight, though they make sure to remind him that they will be in the living room if he needs them at any time. Garnet kisses his forehead and gives him a glimpse of a happy tomorrow with her future vision.

When he walks up the stairs, Steven immediately notices any traces of the fight are cleared out of his room. The doors to the balcony are shut and locked, his bed is made, and M.C. Bear Bear sits beside his pillow. There is also a steaming cup of hot chocolate next to his bed, with the four large marshmallows letting him know it is courtesy of Amethyst.

Somehow, he finds no trouble falling asleep once curled up in his bed. This may have been a good day turned horrible, but he thinks he can count it as a step forward. Just acknowledging he is still struggling is progress, regardless of what his self-loathing says.

Recovery is not linear, but there is always tomorrow.

* * *

A few days later, Steven lets Eyeball and Aquamarine reform right before he shoves them into a large pink bubble together. They are caught off guard at first, then scream and swear and curse at him, at each other, at the Crystal Gems, at Earth until they tire themselves out.

  
(they never say her name.)

Finally, Ruby huffs and sits down, seemingly exhausted. Aquamarine sits against her back with her arms crossed. He lets the silence simmer for a few moments, making sure they do not have anything else to say, before taking a deep breath.

“I am not going to act like I can find you guys a purpose in life,” Steven admits, “I am on a break, and you two would not listen to me anyway. But I do know someone who is just like you two.”

They cut their eyes toward him, clearly trying to hide interest. They also seem surprised by his blatant honesty, as if they were expecting him to convince them that they should not hate him or be mean anymore. Steven is too realistic to think they could just forgive and forget their intense vendetta towards him. After a therapy session, he realized he does not have to do the same for either of them, too.

“But- I will not force you to go with her. So, you have options. Either I let you go, and we can keep doing this same song and dance, where you attack me, then you get bubbled, over and over- or, my friend can help you figure out what to do with that anger. You guys can have a life again – one that does not involve me at all.”

He hates that they seem to consider it, as if living with a grudge about something they cannot change is better than directing those feelings into something productive.

(not that he knows what that feels like.)

He cannot help the smile that stretches his face when they glance at each other, come to a silent agreement, and give a resigned answer.

Steven takes them to Spinel later that day, who is more than happy to be trusted with any amount of responsibility. She seems more than understanding when he explains the situation. Before he can even wave goodbye, she has her arms looped around the very tense Eyeball and Aquamarine, who are probably reconsidering their choice, and they are all but dragged into the palace.

Figuring they will be busy for a while, he takes the warp pad back home. He feels better than he has in quite some time. Instead of deciding to spend another day in bed or watching television, he grabs his wallet and keys.

Steven drives slowly with no music playing nor a destination in mind. He thinks, and thinks, and thinks, while driving the same streets of the same Beach City. Mr. Smiley stops waving the fourth time he passes by, while Onion seems to be in a new part of town every few minutes. Thankfully, the evening is quiet enough that he does not pass anyone who would make him stop for a chat.

He considers Eyeball and Aquamarine, and he considers Bluebird. How they were left adrift after he brought White Diamond to reality, yet they never let go of the past. However, he gave them a chance for a fresh start, where they can be far from the person who they believe wronged them both. They could be something more than they ever thought possible.

An idea gets stuck in his head, one that he cannot shake. After he almost runs out of gas, he stops for a refuel and to see his dad. They end up driving down to the beach and sit in the open trunk, talking about far off places that are nowhere near the stars shining above their head. For the first time, he feels like he has been given options, too.

* * *

Steven buys a map.

**Author's Note:**

> god future gave me everything I wanted and more, and im still crying over the ending  
> but i kept expecting bluebird to come back, though i understand why she didn’t. steven really can’t, and shouldn’t have to, fix everyone’s problems. she makes for a great fic villain now though lmao 
> 
> also i tried not to swear unnecessarily but like. let connie get one (1) she has overprotective parents she deserves it


End file.
